I uninstalled Duolingo today, withdrawing my fealty from the court of the Owl. I’ve had an unbroken streak since 7th Jan 2020 - 2169 days of German, French, Japanese and even Navajo in lockdown. That was fun. I’ve raced to avoid demotion with frantic late-night lessons, exploited bugs to rack up points and even clambered out of a rainy Welsh Slate mine to make sure I kept my streak.
It’s something I’ve been mulling over for a while, but I don’t feel like I’m learning so much as playing a game. And I got demoted from the “Diamond league” yesterday after over 2 years and I just didn’t care. If I’m serious about being intentional when using my phone, gamified stuff has to go, it’s a sure-fire gateway to habits I’m working hard to break.
So au revoir monsieur Chouette. It’s gone along with the socials and honestly it feels bigger than Instagram, which I used compulsively. A little insight is a dangerous thing, when you start to approach your habits with a raised eyebrow. Anything which means that I have to pick up my phone to do a repetitive, reward-driven activity is something I now view with a healthy scepticism. I want my phone to become functional again.
This all comes on the heels of a biiiig ol’downswing too. Properly in my boots for a few days and huge spikes in hypervigilance and rumination, all day. I’m more curious than concerned weirdly, the trajectory isn’t conforming to that which I am accustomed and I’m intrigued as to why. On paper I’m doing everything else right, but there’s something definitely needs tweaking. I’m still waking up at 4.30 every morning (6 weeks now) which definitely isn’t helping but I absolutely don’t want meds for that, they make me feel really weird and I already feel really weird.
In the meantime though, thanks to a bit less scrolling, and a bit more intent, I’ve been able to make time to read actual books and listen to music properly. Until very recently I’ve found that really difficult, with print feeling dense and impenetrable and my attention wandering. I’ve always listened to a lot of audio books but it’s nice to pick up a paper one.
I finished the Vegetarian by Han Kang. I was actually convinced I had finished it already but got it confused with another one on the list. So I picked it up yesterday and absolutely devoured part three. It’s a beautiful, haunting and vivid investigation of expectation, grief and transformation.
Speaking of devouring, I’m also listening to King Sorrow by Joe Hill.
It’s exciting, disturbing and very funny. Bullied kids find a way to exact revenge but at a terrible cost. I’m a way off finishing it yet but every time I think I know where it’s going to go there’s a new fun wrinkle. I’m loving it.
Other books I have enjoyed listening to recently:
The Devils by Joe Abercrombie - Hilariously bloody fantasy romp
Butter by Asako Yuzuki - An effortlessly delicious book which made me hungry
Beyond the Wall by Katja Hoyer - Berlin pre/post wall, fascinating
Turtles All the Way Down by John Green - A beautiful depiction of OCD
Slow Horses series by Mick Herron (all of them) - Spooky Spy shenanigans
Music-wise I can highly recommend Little Foot by Calibre. Ella recommended it to me and my favourites have switched daily depending on my mood. I’m not sure what category to put it in - Ambient Drum & Bass maybe.
Run Tun feels like someone is blanketing my amygdala, while Choosing Beggar feels like being swallowed by a benevolent, spectral Whale. It’s an incredible album. It’s the audio equivalent of one of these:
Bit of a non-sequitur summary today, but better out than in, eh.
🐋
benevolent spectral whale 😁